Imagine walking in the doors of a church for the first time as a single parent. You feel conspicuous because you’re alone…with kids. You wonder, what are people thinking? Am I the only one here who doesn’t have a husband/wife? Will anyone really take the time to get to know me or hear my story?
Linda Jacobs, one of the nation’s leading experts on single parenting and ministering to children of divorce, spent the last years of her career on staff with Church Initiatives monitoring online Divorce Care traffic from around the country. One of the strongest sentiments she saw repeatedly expressed by single parents was that they felt most alone and out of place at church. While the reasons for these feelings are not entirely the church’s fault, there are some key things churches can do to make single parents feel more welcome, seen and wanted.
1. Acknowledge them in the Sunday morning message.
I’ll never forget the last day of our first Single Parenting Summit when one of the attendees came up to me and said, “Thank you for doing this, no one else in the Church is speaking to us.” What this single mom was saying wasn’t that no one would ever talk to her at church, but that no one was teaching her or reassuring her that God also has a good plan and purpose for those adults who aren’t married and who don’t have a spouse to help them raise children with. When single parents listen to a pastor’s message week after week, and the only model for family presented is that of a married, two-parent nuclear family, the message that is unintentionally conveyed is, you’re not a real family and God has no plan for you. Can you see how this would make single parents feel excluded from the plan of God and His church?
2. Offer a support group or special event just for them.
In addition to not fitting in because they’re unmarried, sometimes single parents don’t perceive that church is for them because of a bad experience or feelings of shame or inadequacy. With all the factors keeping single parents at a distance, churches really need to go out of their way to create spaces and send the message We see you, we want you here, and we have a place for you to belong. One of the best ways to do this is through a single mom or single dad support group. Over the years, I’ve seen these groups consistently be a great doorway into the church. Often, single parents will start attending this group, but then as they begin to know and be known by others in the group or who serve their children or serve them a meal, they start to feel welcome in the larger church family and there is a natural transition to begin attending church on Sundays.
3. Care for their kids well.
If there is one person on your church staff who is most aware of the changing dynamics of the family, it is probably your children’s pastor. They are the ones who see the increasing number of children who are checked in by one parent week after week. They see kids who are acting out because they’re struggling with anger, sadness, grief, and sometimes even trauma at home. It’s essential that staff and volunteers in your ministries to children and teens are trained and equipped for the do’s and don’ts of ministering to children in single parent households. When a single parent sees that their church has understanding, compassionate, and trauma-informed care for their hurting kids, they are far more likely to make church a priority.
4. Display images of single parent families in prominent places.
One of the first places a single parent will go when they are considering your church is your website. If they can’t find anything that mentions single parent families and all they see are images of nuclear families and mentions of marriage, they will probably deem your church a no-go. Your website is a key place where you can make a great first impression with single parents. Acknowledge them in your offerings for adults. Acknowledge their kids in your children’s ministry promo. This is also true in any images you have on church walls, slides or videos. Make sure it’s very apparent across all media that your church is a place where single parent families are welcome and can find belonging.
5. Sit with them in church.
As a former single mom, I can assure you there is no feeling quite as lonely as sitting in church by yourself. Especially when it feels like you are surrounded by married couples, which can magnify what you don’t have to the point of being unbearable, particularly during holidays. Often kids will go to separate programs during church, or parents only have their kids every other weekend, so at least two weekends a month they are walking in solo. This is a huge struggle for single parents, who already feel conspicuous for being alone. They want to be married. They want a spouse to sit with and to parent with. They want someone to grow spiritually with. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment. This would be the equivalent of an alcoholic showing up thirsty every week to sit with 300 other adults who are happily enjoying multiple rounds of drinks. If you wonder why it’s estimated that 95 percent of single parents are outside the church, it’s likely because it’s just too painful to be consistently reminded of what they don’t have.
Many dynamics can keep single parents feeling alone, unseen and unwelcome at church. But there is much we can do as the Body of Christ to minimize these by being compassionate brothers and sisters who demonstrate the welcoming, acknowledging, inclusive love of Jesus.